To everyone who reads this blog, thanks so much for your support and prayers! Yesterday was hard... really hard. I'll say that I haven't cried like I did yesterday in a long time. I was really really hurt by this person, and I can say that things haven't been resolved... yet. I'm still praying really hard. I'm so thankful for all of you who commented or sent me e-mails of concern. It means so much to me. I'm doing so much better now, but there is still pain... somewhat understandably. I've been able to talk with my parents and some close friends about it, and they've helped me a lot.
I know now that the person who blew up at me was having a hard time with several things, and that it happened to be me who was standing in the line of fire when she pulled the trigger. It wasn't just me that set off her anger. Although I'm still not sure what it was that I did to set it off.
Anyways, please keep praying for me... It's school break so I'm not going to see her until Monday... but we're going to be living together for two weeks when school starts again. I'm not sure how that will run, so your prayers are appreciated. Also, please pray that God would give me his love and grace, because at times she's very hard to love. Pray that he'd give me patience and forgiveness as well. Also, if you can just pray for her! She needs it more than I do. Pray that God would show her his infinite love that passes all understanding - everything else will come from there. Please please pray - it's so powerful, and God has done so much through the power of prayer.
Thanks again everyone! God bless you so much!
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
Sunday, October 12, 2008
What Did I Do?
Shania Twain sings a song titled 'It Only Hurts When I Bleed'... well I'm not bleeding, but it hurts like heck. It's not physical... but it feels like it is. Stabbed in the back... I don't understand....
I thought I did what's best for you
I always did what you wanted me to
I was there for you when you needed me
I really tried to be true
I loved you when it was so hard
When life dealt you another bad card
I was your confidante and friend
And now you leave me stabbed and scarred
Now you won't even speak to me
A true blue friend I tried to be
Instead you say this friendship's through
When I can't even see
What did I do?
You won't tell me, you're just mad
You break me, then toss me hurt and sad
I wish that this could be undone
But I still don't know what went so bad!
You yell at me, and then accuse me
I feel like this whole time you've only used me
Did our friendship ever mean anything?
Because now I'm left broken and bruised.
I tried become close and faithful to you
When everyone else didn't want to be true
I tried, I did! I still want to...
But you won't tell me
What did I do?
I think this speaks for itself.... I don't really want to say more than this. Pray for me?...please.
I thought I did what's best for you
I always did what you wanted me to
I was there for you when you needed me
I really tried to be true
I loved you when it was so hard
When life dealt you another bad card
I was your confidante and friend
And now you leave me stabbed and scarred
Now you won't even speak to me
A true blue friend I tried to be
Instead you say this friendship's through
When I can't even see
What did I do?
You won't tell me, you're just mad
You break me, then toss me hurt and sad
I wish that this could be undone
But I still don't know what went so bad!
You yell at me, and then accuse me
I feel like this whole time you've only used me
Did our friendship ever mean anything?
Because now I'm left broken and bruised.
I tried become close and faithful to you
When everyone else didn't want to be true
I tried, I did! I still want to...
But you won't tell me
What did I do?
I think this speaks for itself.... I don't really want to say more than this. Pray for me?...please.
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
Like a Mustard Seed
You are the author of knowledge
You can redeem what's been done
You hold the present and all that's to come
Until your everlasting kingdom
Lord I don't know where all this is going
Or how it all works out
Lead me to peace that is past understanding
A peace beyond all doubt
You are the God of tomorrow
Turning the darkness to dawn
Lifting the hopeless with hope to go on
You are the rock of our salvation
Lord I don't know where all this is going
Or how it all works out
Lead me to peace that is past understanding
A peace beyond all doubt
Oh Lord, you are the author
Redeeming what's been done
You hold us in the present and all that is to come
Oh Lord, you are the author
Redeeming what's been done
You hold us in the present and all that is to come
Lord we don't know where all this is going
Or how it all works out
Lead us to peace that is past understanding
A peace beyond all doubt
Lord we don't know where all this is going
Or how it all works out
Lead us to peace that is past understanding
A peace beyond all doubt
That song was written after September 11, 2001. My dad raised me on Newsboys... and I've always loved their songs. Well, one of those 'Small World' moments happened when, one Sunday, in our church in the US we sang the song 'He Reigns'. The worship pastor said that it was one of the ladies singing's brother who co-wrote the song. My dad has loved Newsboys since they started, and before that he was a huge fan of Steve Taylor, who is now the Newsboys' producer. Well, my dad looked at the lady on stage and it clicked that she was Steve Taylor's sister! Well, he asked her about it and to make a long story short, Steve Taylor and his family came that Christmas to visit his sister and our church. My dad got to meet him (I did too!), and he was able to ask Steve about this song...
You see... this song holds really deep meaning for firstly my dad, and for our whole family. Sometimes, I'll stop and listen to it and I'll just start crying because of the emotional significance it has for me. When I was in 6th grade my family went back to the US for home assignment. We were planning on being back for a year and then going back to our home in Cote d'Ivoire. Well, in September 2003, the country fell apart into a civil war. We were in the states, we were safe... but for me I WANTED to be back home! Even in the middle of the war, I wanted to be there and saying goodbye to the only place I'd ever called home. I wanted to be with my friends, my extended family, the people that knew me and loved me. I know my parents were struggling too - where was God going to lead next?
One day dad was driving down the main boulevard in our town, and this song came on the Christian radio station. He had to pull the car over, because he started crying... Only God knows what is going to happen... Only he knows how it will all work out, and the best thing we can pray for is peace that will take us past all doubt.
I love the parable Jesus tells about the mustard seed.
He told them another parable: "The kingdom of heaven is like a mustard seed, which a man took and planted in his field. Though it is the smallest of all your seeds, yet when it grows, it is the largest of garden plants and becomes a tree, so that the birds of the air come and perch in its branches." Matthew 13:31-32
To me, faith is like a mustard seed too. It has to start somewhere. That one tiny leap of faith is all you need, then it can grow and grow until it's so big! It's so big that it's impossible to uproot and you become an example and role model for the people around you who look at you and say, "Wow, I want faith like that." And the 'faith like that' started out tiny, just like a tiny mustard seed.
Basically, I'm writing this because I've had a huge disappointment happen to me. Me and another good friend and another family were going to go to Benin to help with a conference by doing the kids program. We've been planning and preparing for almost 2 months... and I found out yesterday that the trip was canceled. The director's nephew committed suicide, and she needs to go back to the USA to be with the family. The people we were doing the conference for decided that the conference would be postponed until she gets back. So it's not CANCELED... but it's still really really disappointing. We were going to go during our school's October Break, now if we go later we'll have to miss a week of school. It just becomes so much more complicated and frustrating... but God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good.
It's so funny though how sometimes something can send you crashing down but something else can lift you up so sky high! One of my friends, after a long and 'painful' (he calls it) process, has finally decided to become a Christian! It's so exciting and amazing and wonderful and I'm just so blown away and overjoyed about it all! God is so so so good. Incredibly, absolutely good. Amen?
You can redeem what's been done
You hold the present and all that's to come
Until your everlasting kingdom
Lord I don't know where all this is going
Or how it all works out
Lead me to peace that is past understanding
A peace beyond all doubt
You are the God of tomorrow
Turning the darkness to dawn
Lifting the hopeless with hope to go on
You are the rock of our salvation
Lord I don't know where all this is going
Or how it all works out
Lead me to peace that is past understanding
A peace beyond all doubt
Oh Lord, you are the author
Redeeming what's been done
You hold us in the present and all that is to come
Oh Lord, you are the author
Redeeming what's been done
You hold us in the present and all that is to come
Lord we don't know where all this is going
Or how it all works out
Lead us to peace that is past understanding
A peace beyond all doubt
Lord we don't know where all this is going
Or how it all works out
Lead us to peace that is past understanding
A peace beyond all doubt
That song was written after September 11, 2001. My dad raised me on Newsboys... and I've always loved their songs. Well, one of those 'Small World' moments happened when, one Sunday, in our church in the US we sang the song 'He Reigns'. The worship pastor said that it was one of the ladies singing's brother who co-wrote the song. My dad has loved Newsboys since they started, and before that he was a huge fan of Steve Taylor, who is now the Newsboys' producer. Well, my dad looked at the lady on stage and it clicked that she was Steve Taylor's sister! Well, he asked her about it and to make a long story short, Steve Taylor and his family came that Christmas to visit his sister and our church. My dad got to meet him (I did too!), and he was able to ask Steve about this song...
You see... this song holds really deep meaning for firstly my dad, and for our whole family. Sometimes, I'll stop and listen to it and I'll just start crying because of the emotional significance it has for me. When I was in 6th grade my family went back to the US for home assignment. We were planning on being back for a year and then going back to our home in Cote d'Ivoire. Well, in September 2003, the country fell apart into a civil war. We were in the states, we were safe... but for me I WANTED to be back home! Even in the middle of the war, I wanted to be there and saying goodbye to the only place I'd ever called home. I wanted to be with my friends, my extended family, the people that knew me and loved me. I know my parents were struggling too - where was God going to lead next?
One day dad was driving down the main boulevard in our town, and this song came on the Christian radio station. He had to pull the car over, because he started crying... Only God knows what is going to happen... Only he knows how it will all work out, and the best thing we can pray for is peace that will take us past all doubt.
I love the parable Jesus tells about the mustard seed.
He told them another parable: "The kingdom of heaven is like a mustard seed, which a man took and planted in his field. Though it is the smallest of all your seeds, yet when it grows, it is the largest of garden plants and becomes a tree, so that the birds of the air come and perch in its branches." Matthew 13:31-32
To me, faith is like a mustard seed too. It has to start somewhere. That one tiny leap of faith is all you need, then it can grow and grow until it's so big! It's so big that it's impossible to uproot and you become an example and role model for the people around you who look at you and say, "Wow, I want faith like that." And the 'faith like that' started out tiny, just like a tiny mustard seed.
Basically, I'm writing this because I've had a huge disappointment happen to me. Me and another good friend and another family were going to go to Benin to help with a conference by doing the kids program. We've been planning and preparing for almost 2 months... and I found out yesterday that the trip was canceled. The director's nephew committed suicide, and she needs to go back to the USA to be with the family. The people we were doing the conference for decided that the conference would be postponed until she gets back. So it's not CANCELED... but it's still really really disappointing. We were going to go during our school's October Break, now if we go later we'll have to miss a week of school. It just becomes so much more complicated and frustrating... but God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good.
It's so funny though how sometimes something can send you crashing down but something else can lift you up so sky high! One of my friends, after a long and 'painful' (he calls it) process, has finally decided to become a Christian! It's so exciting and amazing and wonderful and I'm just so blown away and overjoyed about it all! God is so so so good. Incredibly, absolutely good. Amen?
Thursday, October 2, 2008
Open Doors and Tiled Floors
For those of you who are Dashboard Confessional fans, I took the title of this blog from their song 'Broken Hearts and Concrete Floors'. However, my heart is not broken and my floors are only concrete under the tile. So I wrote the alternative.
Dad has finally fixed our swamp cooler so the house has been a much more manageable temperature lately. He's been leaving it on at night for us kids so we can sleep without our ACs (air conditioners). Not like my AC has been working anyways. Well, the cooler creates a pressure inside the house so if we close all the windows and doors the cool air has nowhere to go. If you open up a window in a room, even at the other end of the house, the air will rush for that point, pushing the hot air out and the cool air through the house. So we leave our bedroom doors and windows open at night now. I don't really like this - I like my privacy... My door stays closed the majority of the time. If I had my way, I'd keep it closed all the time with an AC on, but of course in this just life we live... I don't get my way. Not as if I've asked that - that would be unreasonable and a waste of electricity.
Before Dad fixed the cooler I'd been sleeping in my sister Shannon's room. We were allowed to use the AC if we were both in a room. Since mine hasn't been working, and her room is generally cleaner than mine, I took a foam matress into her room and slept on the floor. Her AC makes a funny noise when you turn it on. It sounds like the water after a toilet has just been flushed. She hates that noise, but it worked out for the most part because I'd come in after she'd gone to sleep and turn it on and close her window. The matress would sink underneath me untill I was about an inch above the hard tile floor. It was enough though and I slept so well on those nights. The cool air around me, an ambient noise in the background, and nice warm blanket pulled up around my neck creates the perfect sleeping atmosphere.
And so tonight I sleep in my bed high above the tile floors. With the fan on high and the window and door open, a thin sheet pulled around me, I might be able to imagine myself to sleep. I'll sleep and dream of airplanes and clouds; nice cold clouds that I can sleep on, and fuzzy airplane blankets to pull over myself and keep me warm...
or not.
Dad has finally fixed our swamp cooler so the house has been a much more manageable temperature lately. He's been leaving it on at night for us kids so we can sleep without our ACs (air conditioners). Not like my AC has been working anyways. Well, the cooler creates a pressure inside the house so if we close all the windows and doors the cool air has nowhere to go. If you open up a window in a room, even at the other end of the house, the air will rush for that point, pushing the hot air out and the cool air through the house. So we leave our bedroom doors and windows open at night now. I don't really like this - I like my privacy... My door stays closed the majority of the time. If I had my way, I'd keep it closed all the time with an AC on, but of course in this just life we live... I don't get my way. Not as if I've asked that - that would be unreasonable and a waste of electricity.
Before Dad fixed the cooler I'd been sleeping in my sister Shannon's room. We were allowed to use the AC if we were both in a room. Since mine hasn't been working, and her room is generally cleaner than mine, I took a foam matress into her room and slept on the floor. Her AC makes a funny noise when you turn it on. It sounds like the water after a toilet has just been flushed. She hates that noise, but it worked out for the most part because I'd come in after she'd gone to sleep and turn it on and close her window. The matress would sink underneath me untill I was about an inch above the hard tile floor. It was enough though and I slept so well on those nights. The cool air around me, an ambient noise in the background, and nice warm blanket pulled up around my neck creates the perfect sleeping atmosphere.
And so tonight I sleep in my bed high above the tile floors. With the fan on high and the window and door open, a thin sheet pulled around me, I might be able to imagine myself to sleep. I'll sleep and dream of airplanes and clouds; nice cold clouds that I can sleep on, and fuzzy airplane blankets to pull over myself and keep me warm...
or not.
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
An Energizer Bunny Life
I was chatting with a friend the other day and he asked me how I was doing... I replied, "It goes... it's an Energizer Bunny life... it keeps going and going and going and going... then it dies unexpectedly." He replied, "The Energizer Bunny was abducted by aliens."
So. The Energizer Bunny life. I should write a book, don't you think? "How to Manage the Energizer Bunny Life". Or not. Something tells me Borders wouldn't stock it. And it's quite a silly metaphor in itself. Who wants to be a weird pink rabbit in sunglasses who plays the bass drum? Me, I'd be the green giraffe on saxophone. Way cooler than a pink bunny.
But life is still like that, whether or not we like pink bunnies, isn't it? It keeps going and going, where it stops, nobody knows. And trust me, sometimes I just want the world to stop! It would be so much easier sometimes. Things just have a way of piling up and seeming never ending. Isn't it so nice to realize that there's always an end to things!
So. The Energizer Bunny life. I should write a book, don't you think? "How to Manage the Energizer Bunny Life". Or not. Something tells me Borders wouldn't stock it. And it's quite a silly metaphor in itself. Who wants to be a weird pink rabbit in sunglasses who plays the bass drum? Me, I'd be the green giraffe on saxophone. Way cooler than a pink bunny.
But life is still like that, whether or not we like pink bunnies, isn't it? It keeps going and going, where it stops, nobody knows. And trust me, sometimes I just want the world to stop! It would be so much easier sometimes. Things just have a way of piling up and seeming never ending. Isn't it so nice to realize that there's always an end to things!
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