Mad like a lava lamp.

So, I'm sitting here, writing my first blog, and I'm mad. My red lava lamp is next to me on the desk... and like it's color, I'm red. I'm frustrated and angry... both at myself and at others. It's a mellow kind of mad - just like a lava lamp. Nothing drastic happens, it just bubbles inside, until the heat is turned off and everything dies down. That's what this is like right now. I'm a lava lamp inside.

Have you ever sat and watched a lava lamp for a long time? It mesmerizes you, and you can't stop staring. It's always changing, ebbing, and flowing up and down. You can watch for hours. I sometimes stare at it when I can't sleep... the movement relaxes me, and then I wake up again because I have to get up and turn it off before I konk out.

My name is Chantelle - you can call me Chan or whatever you please... Chan is easiest. I used to hate it... but now all my friends call me that. It grows on you... I suppose. I'm a senior in high school... in West Africa. I've lived in Africa my whole life - this is home. My passport says I'm an American... my face says I'm white... my heart doesn't know where I fit in this mess of a world.

And lets face it this world is messed up. Whether you want to admit it or not... but I've seen the real world from the inside out and vice versa. It's sad what you see. I've been blessed and cursed to view some of the largest extremes of living. I've seen the condos in Beverly Hills. I've seen the trash shacks on the streets and alleys of a West African city. I've seen girls walking through malls in Prada and seen boys begging on the street for food, their ribs visible through their shirts.

My life is unique in a way I think no one else could compare to... and I feel so stupid right now because that's not what I'm mad about. I'm mad at a boy... a certian boy. Why does he make me so mad? Because he makes me compare myself to someone else in a way that makes me compromise what I am. I am beautiful, I am special, I am one of a kind - but he makes me wish I was HER.

If anyone that actually knows me reads this, you may or may not know who I'm talking about. For my own best interest, and probably several other people's, I'll change names. Hmm... what would be an appropiriate name for this 'boy'. Lets call him Nathan, Nate for short. Nate is amazing. No, amazing doesn't begin to describe what I think he is... but we'll move on from that. The last thing I want this to be is some freaky tweeny-bopper 'OMG I LOVE HIM' kinda blog. Because I don't. I like Nate. Alot. But that's going to be set aside for now. Now is when I introduce Allie. Allie is cute, she's fun, she's a friend of mine. And she's the girl I wish I could be right now. Because when Nate's involved... all eyes are on her.

And I'm just lava lamp mad. Why does a girl like Allie have him wrapped around her pinkie finger? And why do I want it to be different? What's so great about Nate? Why can't I just let it go, and realize that I'm not Allie, I never will be, and besides that I'm not the kind of girl that Nate would go for? It flips the switch in me sometimes, and slowly I get redder and redder, hotter and hotter... a mellow kind of mad that bubbles inside of me. My lava lamp mad.