Cut It Out

I've never considered myself artistic. I've never been able to draw or paint as well as other people. I hated art class for a while because our teacher would make us sketch the most impossible stuff without using lines - just using the variants in shade and shadow. Well, I will admit I learned a lot from him. In fact I'm working on a picture right now, just a pencil drawing... but I love it! I'll post a picture of it when I'm done.

Photography, writing, and probably the most of all, collages are my main artistic outlet. Oh, and music of course. I'm a music fanatic, but I'll rave about that later. Don't ever give me an old issue of Vogue - I will kill it! I love cutting out pictures of people and advertisements... my closet doors are covered in cutouts! I don't compare myself to the models, that'd be ridiculous. I'm not even sure why I keep some of them. I suppose beauty is in the eye of the beholder. So when I'm looking through a magazine or something, and I see something beautiful, I cut it out. Whether they're whole pages or just tiny snippets, I keep them.

They're mostly people... not all stickman models either... I have some of children, some of food (yummy chocolate chip cookie!), just some random advertisements... But my favorite one is from a French issue of Vogue where they did an article on South Africa. The article cover photo is a beautiful woman with traditional paint on her face, in a beautiful red traditional dress... it makes me feel so blessed to have been exposed to this culture! The beauty of individuality and the differences in culture and tradition have been rooted deep in my soul. That's one thing I never want to cut out.

Anonymous

I think it's kind of funny how everybody on this earth wants to be known and loved for who they are, but still, everyone craves some sort of anonymity. Or at least I do. Maybe I'm just a freak.

No, no, I know I'm not. =) Don't worry. But it's true, anonymity is so perfect sometimes. It can be so much more sincere than having everyone know who you are. Being known comes with prerequisites and qualifications. Heaven forbid someone say something out of line! Never! OMG, she SAID that?! That is SO not like her. What's wrong? We should all crowd around her and make her tell us what's really up. Dear old friend, old pal, WHY didn't you let us KNOW!? What's going on?! Why didn't you TELL US?!

Have I made my point? Not like I'm hiding stuff from my friends. Just the true expression of my thoughts and emotions are sometimes so much better anonymous. I can say what I want, and say what I mean in a way that's candid and honest. I love the Dr. Seuss quote: "Say what you want to say, and be what you want to be, 'Cause those that mind don't matter, and those that matter don't mind." It's somewhat true, but not completely. Those that matter don't mind what you think, but they do mind how you express it.

It's somewhat freeing to have a spot that you can rant and rave all you want and no one gives a rip. Like I may not be depressed, but when I write stuff that shows how down I'm feeling some people could get very concerned. It's difficult to know who will take it the right way. That's why only select people know about this blog. People that I know can take what I say for face value, and not take it deeper than it needs to be. If you don't KNOW me, read on! What you think of who I am can be judged all you want - you don't know who I really am, and this is about the most sincere I can get sometimes.

To anyone who takes the time to read this emotional spigot (LOVE that term... that bit of genius came to me last night!) thanks for taking the time to read. I admit it may not be as fun loving as some other blogs, but I'll have my moments, trust me! Enjoy!

Salama

Poetic motion

Everyone knows someone who can's seem to shut their mouth and stop talking. I'm one of those people sometimes. I love to talk, I love to communicate. I can do it almost fluently in two languages, and one day (hopefully) I want to make it three.

But sometimes communication just isn't enough through speech. Sometimes I communicate better through a media: art, photography, poetry, collages, music... which could explain the creation of this blog. Emotion to me can't be trapped inside. It needs to be released into the open in some form. Instead of blabbing on about my 'horrible day', why not do it creatively on paper? Find a way to express myself through imagery and symbolism. That's just how my mind works best sometimes.

Poetry moves... it has a motion all to it's own. It can run or march or trudge or skip - all depending on how it is written and what the author is trying to communicate from it. I've written poetry for - well a long time it feels like. I don't know when I realized it was such an emotional outlet for me, but it's become more so recently. Even reading poetry has motion. It can move you, influence you, direct you...

I'm going to put up one of my poems in this post. I wrote it back in December. I think it accurately portrays my feelings and thoughts about communicating through media...

Behind Bars

I'm in my cage
Feeling locked away from normality
Every once in a while a small taste is granted
Every once in a while things feel right
Things feel like they used to
But now I'm locked up
No chance to spread my wings
The letter and law are my turnkeys
They keep me imprisoned
Daylight is glimpsed through my bars
Sunshine is glorious to my withering eyes
But glimpses are my only chance
Basking in light, now that is a dream
A dream that can't be realized
One that can only stay in my head
But now, and only now there is a chance
A small escape away from the cold damp of my cell
A pen, a piece of paper, a light by which to write by
This will be my key
This is my escape to the outside world
And maybe someday, someday soon
I'll be able to bask in that sunlight

I'm not someone who gets 'depressed'. I'm usually very upbeat and full of a spirit that spreads out to everyone around me. But like everyone else, I have my down days. December was full of down days... and I needed to express that. I know now... but then I sincerely felt that I had no one to talk to. I know that I did. I chose not to. Instead I escaped into my poetry, my expression that didn't have chains.

There Was...

There was the longing to reach
To let secrets be known
But the fear that emotions would show

There was the yearning to love
And be loved in return
Yet anxiety continued to burn

There was the longing to jump
Into the unknown abyss
Felt the mark was too large to miss
So I jumped
And the arrow fell short
The target was missed
But the response wasn't an unfeeling retort
Instead you understood
My wings were stripped from me
But you helped me glide to safety

There used to be a spark inside
I thought it was extinguished but was wrong
It still burns strong

There used to be a knife plunged deep
It was removed
But the wound still seeps

There is now the wish to turn pages
To write the next chapter of my life
With words that forget the strife

And press on

I wrote 'There Was...' the day after 'Behind Bars'. I'll probably explain my emotions behind them in a later post, but for now, it feels good to put the poetry on here.

Skipping forward in time a bit... I wrote this next one in February.

It's Amazing...

It's amazing to find yourself
Lost in a maze of emotion
It's curious to be found
Hanging upside-down
Not knowing which way is up
And therefore always falling on your face
It's incredible to see
How something simple
Can grip you passionately
Can clench you like sand
Held in a fist, so it slowly trickles out
Until there's nothing left of it
And it leaves you drained
It's astonishing to comprehend
That some things always were
Some things simply are
And yet others will carry on
This is none of those
It is terminal, fleeting
It lasts as long as I entertain it
Try and grasp the sand
But it slides through my fingers
Leaving emptiness
Loneliness
A longing to belong
It's amazing...

I'm rereading these for the first time in months... and I'm feeling the motion all over again. Trust me, when I get creative, it's gonna show in these posts! Just the fact that so far I've written two posts in less than two days is proof. Who knows... today feels like a creative day. We'll see what comes out of it.

Salama.