Home Away From Home

207.

That's how many days I've been in the USA. 207 days. In some ways it doesn't feel like that long. How can I have been here for 207 days? Is that possible. Then I realize that I have 500 left to go... 500. That's how many days I have before I can return home.

Those are numbers that I can calculate easily. The unanswered question is this... how many days will it be until the USA is home? When will my mind change over? In fact, when will I know where my home IS?


"Home is not where you live but where they understand you."
- Christian Morgenstern

So where is this home Mr. Morgenstern? Where will I find this? Because it doesn't seem that easy to find. Maybe that's where I take comfort - it isn't easy to find. And it's not just difficult to find for me. Everyone is searching for this 'home', this place where they are understood. Time is not a factor in this search - people are the factor. Who is willing to be understanding, and am I willing to become understood? If this doesn't happen, home is nonexistent. It becomes a fantasy and a dream we wish would come true.

Believe it or not, I think I've found home for now... Home is in the love of friends and their listening ears. Home is in the knowing that people are nearby if I need them, and are willing to share my hurts, my tears, my disappointments, and my shortcomings. I know that I have found home when a friend, a laugh, and a hug is only one door away.

I'm beginning to realize how fluid a concept home is. I've known for too long that home cannot be forced into a box or a checklist of requirements. Home can only be what you make of it, and what you let it become. It's interesting how trying to transform something can often lead to your transformation instead. For now, home is still in Niger. That doesn't mean that Biola isn't becoming home... but my heart still wishes I was in the heat of the desert instead of the smog of the city. I love Biola, and I have never felt so at 'home' anywhere in the US before. To all my friends here, thank you with all my heart. You've created a home I didn't know was possible.

500. That's how many days until I go back to Niger... we'll see how many days before I go home...

Softball and Valentines

I got back from Ouagadougou yesterday. I was there for the Softball Fanatics Weekend Tournament (Sofanwet). It was pretty fun, all things considered. I played on the Sahel Suns Social team. We didn't do so well in the tournament - out of 3 games we only won one... But somebody has to lose, so it might as well be a team who can take it well. The team that won second place was from the American School here in Niamey, and I have several friends there. I was really proud of them with how well they did - they haven't won a trophy in 3 years, or something like that. They were really happy, and if you know me, it was hard to not be happy for them. The social game didn't really matter all that much in the end, though. There are two divisions in the tournament - social and competitive, and our Competitive team WON! It was an amazing Final game, and the guys totally pulled it together to beat the other Niamey competitive team, the Nomads. YEY SAHEL SUNS!

While we were in Ouaga, Valentines Day came around... Ah, the joys of Valentines Day - if you have a BOYFRIEND!!! I've never been one for the whole Valentines thing... it seems so superficial to me most of the time. I don't even give valentines to my friends anymore. But this year was different... it seemed like so many friends of mine were making valentines for their 'someone special'. It was really weird to watch... my friends have boyfriends and girlfriends! But even weirder was the fact that I wished I had someone to make a valentine for... or that someone would make one for me. Haha, I guess what they say is true - it really is Singles Awareness Day! Seriously though, I will admit to feeling more than just a twinge of jealousy as cards were passed. I got one valentine from my best friend Tam, and that was sweet n all... but she's my best friend. Not quite the same.

Besides these two events happening at the same time... they are connected. Why should I skirt the subject? Yes... there is someone that I wish I was getting a valentine from... and he was playing in the tournament. So there. I'm being honest. And in all honesty, I'm beginning to really bug myself with this whole thing of liking him. Because (cough, cough), he already has a girlfriend. And it's impossible to ignore. And it drives me crazy. And I really really wish I was her. Grr. I just told a friend of mine this weekend about me liking this guy... She was really surprised! She said, "Wow, it must be hard to watch them all the time." I said yeah... because it is! I just try to live with it. Then she said something that really surprised ME! "You're so nice about it!"...uh... is there another option? I suppose there is, but I've never stopped to think about it. I really don't think that there would be another option for me. Both the guy and girl in the relationship are good friends of mine, and I wouldn't want to ruin that just so I can grab a guy.

I suppose I'll just have to wait it out - what else can I do? Someday it will be me getting the valentine - I know it.

Lee's Redemption

Alright, so one of my readers has commented rather negatively on my negative thoughts of General Lee in The Killer Angels. Well, no offense was intended. I don't really like his character in the book, which says nothing about his leadership or influence on the Civil War. I do think of him as a very admirable man, and I do respect him as an American, soldier, and leader.
I have watched the movie Gettysburg, and it does redeem Lee's character in the book a bit, but I still dislike him. Gettysburg was an excellent movie, and I enjoyed it once I was able to get the characters straight. One of the things I think that turns me off about Lee so much is the amount of devotion he has from his troops. Yes, it is incredible that his soldiers would love him that much, but to me it seems like they're worshiping a god when they're with Lee. Lawrence Chamberlain makes an interesting comment in the book: "There is nothing so quite like God as a general on the battlefield." This is almost contradicted by the way troops treat Lee - There is nothing so quite like God as a general surrounded by loving soldiers. They see a savior in Lee - this is unrealistic. They see a god-figure in Lee, so they idolize him. Idolize... interesting how deep that word is but how shallow of a term it's come to mean.
I hope this has made my view clearer... feel free to comment.

The Killer Angels

So I've had to read The Killer Angels by Michael Shaara for my English class. It's actually a pretty good book - it just takes a bit to get into. But the detail and imagery in it is amazing, and you get drawn into the battles and the thoughts of the characters. It's a book about the Battle of Gettysburg during the Civil War and it looks at both sides of the conflict. It's interesting - you begin the book with initial thoughts about what characters you will and won't like, and by the end you really really dislike some of them! I personally HATE General Lee... he's so passive and nonemotional. And it totally bugs me how his troops worship the ground he walks on. It's disgusting.

Ok, I'm not really sure why I'm writing about my English homework, but I figure it's more fun that actually DOING the work right now. =) I'm sick of work. I'm sick of a lot of things. *SIGH* I'm really ready for Christmas break. Thankfully that's really close. Wednesday is the last day of school, and we'll have the final assembly, and THAT'S IT!!! YEY!!!

PLUS! it's really exciting! My Uncle Doug, Aunt Debbie, and cousins Kaitlyn and Kendra are all coming here to Niamey on TUESDAY!!! (Please God, let their luggage get here with them...) I totally cannot wait to see them! It's going to be hilarious - my cousins are both kinda girly, and they've never left the North American continent. They are going to have such major culture shock - and I can't wait to watch it! Haha! I'm not very nice am I? =) Oh well, we're going to have a blast!!!

Thursday morning 27 people are all going down south to the National Parc W. It's the game park that goes through parts of Niger, Benin, and Burkina Faso. We go down there on our own personal 'safari' if you want to call it that. =) There aren't really enough animals to call it a safari, but that's ok. We sit on the roof-rack of our truck, and drive for hours together and have a ton of fun! The place we go camping is really fun too - there are rock outcroppings you can go climb on and it's right by the river so sometimes we go swimming. It's cold season right now (and as I say that, it's in the 90's outside... but it gets cold at night) so we're gonna freeze sleeping in tents there!

My family is going (all 9 of us including the family from the states), my friend Trae's (the guy I tricked with the switched DVDs) family is going, and their family who is visiting from the states too (10 of them), Mr. Chamberlain and his son Chris (Jessie's dad and brother... see post below), and Chris is inviting Ryan and Justin too. Then the Gillespies, a couple who teaches at my school, is coming and they're bringing Mr. Meade, the math teacher. So... that makes 27! Wow. =) It's going to be awesome! I'll blog about it when we get back on Saturday... maybe. Anyways, I'll blog about it! With pictures of course!!! =)

Oh yeah!!! My friend NAOMI is coming back to Niger from England TOO! This Christmas is going to ROCK!!!

Mr Bean's 27 Dresses

Ok, ok, I'm sorry my ever so faithful readers... If there are any anymore. I have not blogged for... 21 days. That would be 3 weeks. Wow. I'm sorry! Ok... so I need to write about SOMETHING. Although I'm not exactly sure right now. Wait wait, give me a minute.

Ok! I'll tell you about this prank I played on my friend Trae. It all began... actually it all began with Phil and Jessie. They're this couple in my class that started dating about... oh, a month ago. Well, they're really cute together, and they agreed that they'd have to watch eachother's favorite movies together. Phil's favorite movie is 300, and Jessie's is The Notebook. Well, they watched 300 together, and Phil though that they were gonna watch The Notebook together while they were at the Rec Center. Instead, Jessie made him watch Dreamgirls.

(Do you see the personality differences? Hmm... Notebook vs 300?)

So we're at school talking about this incident, and I said I've only seen The Notebook once, and that's good for me. Trae said that he'd seen it once too, and that a girl had made him watch it with her. We were all laughing that he'd give in to waching that just because a girl made him... and here is where the story begins to build.
I had had a very boring weekend. I hadn't gone anywhere, hadn't done anything all weekend. To ward off boredom, I ended up watching 3 new movies:

27 Dresses, Mr Bean's Holiday, and Mamma Mia.
I was on Facebook, chatting with Trae, telling him about 27 dresses. He said it sounded gay, so I told him I would 'make' him watch it with me one day. He was like 'NO WAY', and I told him that if a girl could make him watch The Notebook, this was pie. He just 'lol'd and we kept on chatting. Then I told him I'd watched Mr Bean's Holiday, and he said that he'd been wanting to see that one. He asked me if I would lend it to him... I told him, "Mayyyybeeeee.... but only if you're super duper nice to me." Of course I would... muahhahahaha!!! (evil laughter!)

So, it's Sunday night. We live on the same compoud as the building we use for the English Evening Service. I was talking to Trae and his girlfriend Esther, and I asked him if he still wanted to borrow that movie. He said yeah, so the three of us started walking to my house. Well.... my little diabolical mind had been whirring...

When we got to my house, I did something so simple... so easy... so noticable - IF YOU WERE PAYING ATTENTION which Trae was not. I switched the DVDs. I stuck 27 Dresses into the Mr Bean case... and gave it to him. Why did I get so much pleasure out of this? Because he didn't notice until later that night when it was IN his computer and he was all settled down for a relaxing movie.

And what comes on? 27 Dresses!!! YES!!! I know, I know, juvenile, immature, pathetic, but HILARIOUS!!! =D I'm so mean.

But not that mean. I gave him the real movie the next day. =)

God Bless the USA

When I was in 7th grade... oh so many ages ago... I was in the dance elective at my public middle school in California. I loved the class so much, and the greatest part of it was the Semester recital. We got to choreograph our own dance and perform it in front of the school. Four other girls and myself chose the song 'God Bless the USA' by Jump5. Yeah, if you know anything about Jump5, that's pretty hysterical right now! And it totally shows off my tweeny-bopper style of music too. We didn't really 'dance' to this song, instead we did one of the ribbon choreography dances. We had the really long ribbons on sticks and came up with moves that fit the words. We practiced for hours and so many class periods. The day of the performance came and it went well... it was really scary being in front of the whole school like that, especially my middle school! But the song always brings back nostalgia and I love the words to this day...

"I'm proud to be an American, where at least I know I'm free
And I won't forget the men who died and gave that right to me
Now I'll proudly stand up next to you and defend her still today
Because there ain't no doubt I love this land
GOD BLESS THE USA"

I look at this day in history, and I don't like it any more than the next conservative Christian. But then I also have to think that God is in control. He knew Obama was going to win all the while... even before any ballots were cast, or before the presidential race even started. God knew, and God's made his plans around it, so why should we worry about it? God will bless those who he choses. And no matter what he decides to do, our prayer should still be that God blesses our country. He has in the past - why wouldn't he in the future? God has promised that when two or three come together in his name he hears their voices - how could he ignore a whole nation calling out for his blessings? Especially calling out for his blessings, despite their thoughts or feelings on who the president is.

God is not deaf.

I disagree with what Barak Obama stands for, but I take comfort in the fact (yes FACT) that God knows better than we do what will come out of these next four or eight years. God is good. All the time.

On my online website, the chaplian posts a new devotional every day. I loved what he put up today.

~~~

Romans 13:1-2 (NIV) Everyone must submit himself to the governing authorities, for there is no authority except that which God has established. The authorities that exist have been established by God. Consequently, he who rebels against the authority is rebelling against what God has instituted, and those who do so will bring judgment on themselves.
The United States has just elected a new President. This election has seen the largest turnout of voters in United States history, and both sides have been very passionate about their candidate. The verses above do not give us any room to take political sides though. They do not mention personalities or political viewpoints. As always, the Scripture cuts to the core of the issue.
Scripture's interest is in the authority behind the person, the investment of God in a leader to govern people that ultimately belong to Him.
Pray for the leaders of your nation. Make sure that your words and your actions acknowledge the God-invested authority of those leaders.
~~~

God Bless the USA

The Power of Prayer

To everyone who reads this blog, thanks so much for your support and prayers! Yesterday was hard... really hard. I'll say that I haven't cried like I did yesterday in a long time. I was really really hurt by this person, and I can say that things haven't been resolved... yet. I'm still praying really hard. I'm so thankful for all of you who commented or sent me e-mails of concern. It means so much to me. I'm doing so much better now, but there is still pain... somewhat understandably. I've been able to talk with my parents and some close friends about it, and they've helped me a lot.

I know now that the person who blew up at me was having a hard time with several things, and that it happened to be me who was standing in the line of fire when she pulled the trigger. It wasn't just me that set off her anger. Although I'm still not sure what it was that I did to set it off.

Anyways, please keep praying for me... It's school break so I'm not going to see her until Monday... but we're going to be living together for two weeks when school starts again. I'm not sure how that will run, so your prayers are appreciated. Also, please pray that God would give me his love and grace, because at times she's very hard to love. Pray that he'd give me patience and forgiveness as well. Also, if you can just pray for her! She needs it more than I do. Pray that God would show her his infinite love that passes all understanding - everything else will come from there. Please please pray - it's so powerful, and God has done so much through the power of prayer.

Thanks again everyone! God bless you so much!

What Did I Do?

Shania Twain sings a song titled 'It Only Hurts When I Bleed'... well I'm not bleeding, but it hurts like heck. It's not physical... but it feels like it is. Stabbed in the back... I don't understand....


I thought I did what's best for you
I always did what you wanted me to
I was there for you when you needed me
I really tried to be true

I loved you when it was so hard
When life dealt you another bad card
I was your confidante and friend
And now you leave me stabbed and scarred

Now you won't even speak to me
A true blue friend I tried to be
Instead you say this friendship's through
When I can't even see
What did I do?

You won't tell me, you're just mad
You break me, then toss me hurt and sad
I wish that this could be undone
But I still don't know what went so bad!

You yell at me, and then accuse me
I feel like this whole time you've only used me
Did our friendship ever mean anything?
Because now I'm left broken and bruised.

I tried become close and faithful to you
When everyone else didn't want to be true
I tried, I did! I still want to...
But you won't tell me
What did I do?

I think this speaks for itself.... I don't really want to say more than this. Pray for me?...please.

Like a Mustard Seed

You are the author of knowledge
You can redeem what's been done
You hold the present and all that's to come
Until your everlasting kingdom

Lord I don't know where all this is going
Or how it all works out
Lead me to peace that is past understanding
A peace beyond all doubt

You are the God of tomorrow
Turning the darkness to dawn
Lifting the hopeless with hope to go on
You are the rock of our salvation

Lord I don't know where all this is going
Or how it all works out
Lead me to peace that is past understanding
A peace beyond all doubt

Oh Lord, you are the author
Redeeming what's been done
You hold us in the present and all that is to come
Oh Lord, you are the author
Redeeming what's been done
You hold us in the present and all that is to come

Lord we don't know where all this is going
Or how it all works out
Lead us to peace that is past understanding
A peace beyond all doubt
Lord we don't know where all this is going
Or how it all works out
Lead us to peace that is past understanding
A peace beyond all doubt

That song was written after September 11, 2001. My dad raised me on Newsboys... and I've always loved their songs. Well, one of those 'Small World' moments happened when, one Sunday, in our church in the US we sang the song 'He Reigns'. The worship pastor said that it was one of the ladies singing's brother who co-wrote the song. My dad has loved Newsboys since they started, and before that he was a huge fan of Steve Taylor, who is now the Newsboys' producer. Well, my dad looked at the lady on stage and it clicked that she was Steve Taylor's sister! Well, he asked her about it and to make a long story short, Steve Taylor and his family came that Christmas to visit his sister and our church. My dad got to meet him (I did too!), and he was able to ask Steve about this song...

You see... this song holds really deep meaning for firstly my dad, and for our whole family. Sometimes, I'll stop and listen to it and I'll just start crying because of the emotional significance it has for me. When I was in 6th grade my family went back to the US for home assignment. We were planning on being back for a year and then going back to our home in Cote d'Ivoire. Well, in September 2003, the country fell apart into a civil war. We were in the states, we were safe... but for me I WANTED to be back home! Even in the middle of the war, I wanted to be there and saying goodbye to the only place I'd ever called home. I wanted to be with my friends, my extended family, the people that knew me and loved me. I know my parents were struggling too - where was God going to lead next?

One day dad was driving down the main boulevard in our town, and this song came on the Christian radio station. He had to pull the car over, because he started crying... Only God knows what is going to happen... Only he knows how it will all work out, and the best thing we can pray for is peace that will take us past all doubt.

I love the parable Jesus tells about the mustard seed.
He told them another parable: "The kingdom of heaven is like a mustard seed, which a man took and planted in his field. Though it is the smallest of all your seeds, yet when it grows, it is the largest of garden plants and becomes a tree, so that the birds of the air come and perch in its branches." Matthew 13:31-32
To me, faith is like a mustard seed too. It has to start somewhere. That one tiny leap of faith is all you need, then it can grow and grow until it's so big! It's so big that it's impossible to uproot and you become an example and role model for the people around you who look at you and say, "Wow, I want faith like that." And the 'faith like that' started out tiny, just like a tiny mustard seed.

Basically, I'm writing this because I've had a huge disappointment happen to me. Me and another good friend and another family were going to go to Benin to help with a conference by doing the kids program. We've been planning and preparing for almost 2 months... and I found out yesterday that the trip was canceled. The director's nephew committed suicide, and she needs to go back to the USA to be with the family. The people we were doing the conference for decided that the conference would be postponed until she gets back. So it's not CANCELED... but it's still really really disappointing. We were going to go during our school's October Break, now if we go later we'll have to miss a week of school. It just becomes so much more complicated and frustrating... but God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good.

It's so funny though how sometimes something can send you crashing down but something else can lift you up so sky high! One of my friends, after a long and 'painful' (he calls it) process, has finally decided to become a Christian! It's so exciting and amazing and wonderful and I'm just so blown away and overjoyed about it all! God is so so so good. Incredibly, absolutely good. Amen?

Open Doors and Tiled Floors

For those of you who are Dashboard Confessional fans, I took the title of this blog from their song 'Broken Hearts and Concrete Floors'. However, my heart is not broken and my floors are only concrete under the tile. So I wrote the alternative.

Dad has finally fixed our swamp cooler so the house has been a much more manageable temperature lately. He's been leaving it on at night for us kids so we can sleep without our ACs (air conditioners). Not like my AC has been working anyways. Well, the cooler creates a pressure inside the house so if we close all the windows and doors the cool air has nowhere to go. If you open up a window in a room, even at the other end of the house, the air will rush for that point, pushing the hot air out and the cool air through the house. So we leave our bedroom doors and windows open at night now. I don't really like this - I like my privacy... My door stays closed the majority of the time. If I had my way, I'd keep it closed all the time with an AC on, but of course in this just life we live... I don't get my way. Not as if I've asked that - that would be unreasonable and a waste of electricity.

Before Dad fixed the cooler I'd been sleeping in my sister Shannon's room. We were allowed to use the AC if we were both in a room. Since mine hasn't been working, and her room is generally cleaner than mine, I took a foam matress into her room and slept on the floor. Her AC makes a funny noise when you turn it on. It sounds like the water after a toilet has just been flushed. She hates that noise, but it worked out for the most part because I'd come in after she'd gone to sleep and turn it on and close her window. The matress would sink underneath me untill I was about an inch above the hard tile floor. It was enough though and I slept so well on those nights. The cool air around me, an ambient noise in the background, and nice warm blanket pulled up around my neck creates the perfect sleeping atmosphere.

And so tonight I sleep in my bed high above the tile floors. With the fan on high and the window and door open, a thin sheet pulled around me, I might be able to imagine myself to sleep. I'll sleep and dream of airplanes and clouds; nice cold clouds that I can sleep on, and fuzzy airplane blankets to pull over myself and keep me warm...

or not.